After a long hiatus, I leave you with a very important message.
These past two months have seen amazing changes in me. Honestly. I don't know where they are coming from, whether it is through some divine intervention from god, from my longing of high quality women (and not getting them) or my old age, I feel like many doors have been opened for me and many demons have been fought away (gone but possibly not forever...who knows).
If you are beginning to wonder what changes I have made, lets begin with a few concrete and simple, if not shocking, ones. After 15 long years of being a regular gamer, I no longer have a desire for video games. Like a drug addict who's been sniffing cocaine on a weekly basis for most of his life, I have quit almost completely. And by almost meaning the only gaming I do is the occasional rockband or guitar hero session with friends. And even those are becoming rarer as time goes. Anybody who knows me knows I've spent days of my life on video games and engulfed myself in a reality which doesnt exist, to shield myself from the reality that I live in. I hide myself from the real world through gaming and something triggered in my mind 2 months ago that made it suddenly very unappealing to spend another minute drowning my sowers in pixelated endeavors. It was never a conscious decision. I just didn't touch my games for about a month and when I tried to come back to them, I couldn't. I fell out of love.
The next change that has occurred in me is the consistency and drive I have towards lifting weights. I work intensely now 5 days a week and eat right. Junk food and fast food are almost a thing of the past and the few times I do decide to indulge myself, I get noticeably ill. My body isn't used to it anymore. It's craving good healthy food. And that is when I know that these changes are not superficial. They are real, they are THERE, they are obvious to anyone around me, and they are making their presence felt. Again, it was never a conscious decision. I didn't choose to quit tasty but unhealthy foods just to join the league of liberal fanatics who feel that eating anything that isn't organic is a blow to the earth. It just sort of happened as a result of quitting the video games and putting extra time into bodybuilding. It really is synergistic.
The last change happens to be the most powerful but also the most subtle. After years of longing for things I can't have and years of validating myself through others feelings towards me, I stopped caring. I'll say what I want, when I want, to whom I want, and I'll speak the truth at all times. I will no longer hold myself back. This doesn't mean that I'm going to go around and insult everyone around me. This means that if a girl is being a bitch to me, I'm not going to hold my head down and walk away with my tail between my legs. This means I will call her out on it and move on. If a girl interrupts me when I'm speaking, I will not let her talk. And if a girl tries to play with my emotions with her little mind games, I won't let her. The most important thing in life is not money but social relationships. That's why men rate themselves on how many women they've slept with. It's all a social ladder game and the higher you are, the more accomplished in life you are (haha right). Whatever happened to just being a smart, funny, value-giving guy that makes this world a better place by living without merit, without ego, and without judging others? Why does everybody feel its so important to try to oneup everyone?
I will NOT let you steal value from me by demeaning me in any way. And I will NOT feel sorry for myself for not sleeping with hundreds of girls or by getting rejected for the hundredth time today. That's one person's opinion and doesn't mean any more to me than the bums off the street.
I'm just going to live my life enjoying myself, enjoying others, giving value to those that deserve it and taking everything for what it is. The urgency is just not there anymore. I don't know why these changes happened, its all very subtle and hard to explain. And it could be gone at a moment's whim but only time will tell. I'm not saying I'm suddenly confident, high self esteem, and a complete pimp. Quite the contrary. I'm just saying that I'm experiencing changes that might possibly lead to better things down the line. I don't know why these changes occurred. But I do have an idea and those that are closest to me might know why. For that, I have nothing to give but my utmost thanks.
1 comment:
"I'll say what I want, when I want, to whom I want, and I'll speak the truth at all times."After reading on from that sentence, it seems like you're only referring to females. Is it because males have never put up a fight against you or were you recently hurt by a female?
Seems to be the latter. If you have not come to terms with the fact that females will be exactly like what you described (and the fact that as a male you must learn and be ahead of the curve) then you have no right to say things like "..If a girl interrupts me when I'm speaking, I will not let her talk." What an arrogant and chauvinistic thing to say.
Furthermore, I'd like to comment on your divine notion that "men rate themselves on how many women they've slept with." I would love to meet the people you hang out with who think this way.
Seems to me that you're just hanging with the wrong crowd, talking to the wrong women, and looking negatively at the social world. As nice as it is to vent when your emotions are in full swing, it's always a better idea to think about things - regardless of your feelings - and to look at things from the outside (cliche, I know).
-2 cents
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